Putting The "Raina" Back In Fun Since 1986

Dear Dad,
Why couldn't you have just bought a convertible?
Love, Raina.

________________________________________________

I need a new job. I want to start my career but I don't know what it is yet.
I wish I could think of a great idea for a blog that would become popular and gain mainstream attention, at which point I would get a book deal and all of the submissions people had sent in would be compiled and sold, with all profits going directly to me (minus publishing fees).

That would be ideal.

The idea of ever owning a house or car or any other assets seems almost impossible to me.

Caffiene is an aphrodesiac.

That would explain why I can't sit still during the afternoon at work.

"beeeaaaating like a HAAAMMMMER"
- Metric

I think I'm falling in love with Metric's "Help, I'm Alive." I don't really like Metric usually, but this song is wonderful! I feel shivery waves when she sings the chorus.

Just thought I'd let you know.

"I only just met you before
But I can't understand you don't want me more
You maybe think I'm too smart and weird,
But that should only make you want to hear:

...

You make me feel really unsure,
But that should just make you feel secure.
Although we've only known each other a bit
Already I can't sleep at night and I feel like shit.
That's right."

- The Dandy Warhols

"I thought about
The things I thought about
Until immobilized with fear."
- Ben Folds Five : "Regrets"

your compatibility with _____ is SUPER!
CONGRATULATIONS! This red line shows your progress.

this weekend, i may be prompted to build myself a tinfoil hat, finally.

"I am mesmerized by tiny lines,
I'm watching as the shapes are drawing slowly from her eyes."
- Ben Folds : "Losing Lisa"

my stomach keeps making strange noises. i hope that it's not bothering my co-workers.

"Heaven-
Heaven is a place...
A place where nothing,
Nothing ever happens."
- Talking Heads : "Heaven"

i've been thinking too much about death again. that's not supposed to sound emo, or deep, or anything. it just comes in phases, and i'm in one right now. every morning i wake up and i am afraid. of COURSE i am afraid. it's not a joke, it actually happens, and that's it. we have no idea what happens then. it's immediate and final.

writing that was scary.

i can't wait until i go back to feeling immortal.

i really like matt good's singles.

ON THE OTHER HAND:
everything is going to work out okay.
that's basically become my overarching philosophy on life. everything works out somehow.
it's served me well so far.
something along the lines of designing your own luck.

i think this weekend, i will try acid for the first time.
i think i will listen to mgmt's album "oracular spectacular" and animal collective's "merriweather post pavillion" while that's happening.

i want to DANCE!

"the youth are starting to change."
- MGMT : "The Youth"

"WHEN IT'S TIME TO PARTY WE WILL PARTY HARD!"
- Andrew W.K. : "Party Hard"

Go listen to Charizma & Peanut Butter Wolf's "Apple Juice Break". It's short and sweet... like a small cup of apple juice.

It's almost lunchtime.

"Smoke baby, smoke baby,
More alcohol baby,
Cocaine in Montreal
And black out on the plane, baby."
- Hawksley Workman : "Smoke Baby"

Back from lunch, feeling better...
In the afternoon, I like to listen to sexier music. In the morning, it's all sad and frustrated. I am not a morning person. Beck's "Milk & Honey" is so good...

Okay.
I should get to work.

time went on all night.

i can't believe this is really happening.

you are so unbelievably beautiful.

that girl makes me want to be a narcissist
a lucky genetic masterpiece,
give an ol' gol' shrine to myself.

my mother once lived in a mysterious yellow world
where edges were brown and the saturation was down.

___


a five minute intermission in your absence
was the best part of the show.

JUST ONE MORE HIT OUT IN THE LOBBY BABY!

i stopped breathing when you walked in,
and if you don't go soon i might suffocate.

(i could be a little red fox,
stealing off in the woods,
i could have the little white tail you chase,
the green slit jealous eyes,
i could cuddle into your jacket
when you catch me
'cause i'm so sly.)

i thought i was strong enough to handle my self
but i was
pretty
much
wrong.

how would i ever hold you up
if i could never get across
a set of monkey bars?

[cohesion?! what's that?!]

____

a: new year's is coming.
b: YOU BET!
a: i made some resolutions!
b: i made some brownies.
a: i resolved to eat all of the brownies you made.
b: i resolved to let you eat them.
a: well, good.
b: but first, i'm going to set them on fire.
a: no! don't!
b: trust me, it's a secret recipe.
a: for burnt brownies.
b: yes, for burnt brownies.
a: great. well, my resolution was for non-burnt brownies so i guess i'm going to have to rethink things.
b: i guess so. you've got to get your priorities straight.
a: well, i really have to go to the bathroom.
b: no, don't do that.
a: why not?
b: i clogged the toilet.
a: oh.
b: yeah... i'm sorry.
a: it's okay. i'll just... wait it out.
b: i love you, you're so forgiving.
a: i wet my pants.
___

outside the world has turned white.
not just the ground but the sky and the trees too.
my house exists inside a cloud.

i am lying down on my childhood,
i was told to empty my closet
to make room for the bones of a family skeleton.

Songs I'm Feeling Right Now:

The Fiery Furnaces - Waiting To Know You
Land of Talk - Breaxxbaxx
The Offspring - Self-Esteem
Dr. Dog - Die, Die, Die
Land of Talk - Some Are Lakes
MGMT - The Youth
The Black Keys - Act Nice and Gentle
Born Ruffians - Foxes Mate For Life
Weezer - Why Bother?
Leonard Cohen - No Cure For Love
Modest Mouse - Sleepwalking
Super Furry Animals - Fire In My Heart
Voxtrot - The Start Of Something
Dump - The Words Get Stuck
Mason Jennings - Darkness Between the Fireflies
Ron Sexsmith - These Days
Spoon - Anything You Want
The Weakerthans - My Favourite Chords
Wolf Parade - I'll Believe In Anything
Joel Plaskett - True Patriot Love
The Weakerthans - Civil Twilight
Silver Jews - Whiskey Talkin'
The Acorn - Evidence
Daniel Johnston - Grievances

___

"you can fall for chains of silver,
you can fall for chains of gold,
you can fall for pretty strangers
and the promises they hold."
- dire straits.

"and as the cars fly by,
i just break down and cry,
still i've got a fire in my heart for you."
- super furry animals.

"if i can't be a lover, i'll just be a pest."
- daniel johnston

"well i guess i should speak up for myself
but i really think it's better this way
the more you suffer
the more it shows you really care
right?
yeah.

now i'll relate this little bit
that happens more than i'd like to admit
late at night [he] knocks on my door
drunk again and looking to score

now i know i should say no
but that's kind of hard when [he]'s ready to go
i may be dumb
but i'm not a dweeb
i'm just a sucker with no self esteem."

-the offspring, [modified].

keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing

and baby i will twist my hips and wait for the blue light
ohhhh darling you blind out the red with perfect fingers,
i'm a piece of TOAST!

i'm the bread that lies beside the red hot wires,
the momentary morning energy
eaten up and forgotten.

happy sunrise baby,
i think we're golden in the light
but i am going out
to bury myself in the sand.

oh oh oh
i'm just a little thing,
some underground burrower
i am the tunnel builder
for the pretty people.
______

a technical definition for the passage of gods,
i waited slowly and deliberately.
i did not speak to you.
i waited in a blue mass to catch clouds.

i want you to come home.
i could be honest and tell you that i am scared-
i am afraid to tell you that i am finding confidence,
that i am holding your shoulders and learning to stand
with waggling legs.

i am finding you in blue yes,
i am finding you in brown hair,
i am finding you in quiet minutes tick ticking by,

i am finding you in planned out movie scenes,
we are blind, deaf crawlers
too much information
the love makes our eyes turn black.

the slate,
a snap,
a title and a scene,

i hope you believed the performance,
my lies were only lines,
i hope you realize
my hands are woven up in a net for you to fall.




the youth, the children, the mind
it's all starting to go so let's go,
so let's so let's row let's mow let's sow...
i reap and leap and keep
the name is criminal.

we are seasoned, darling,
why don't you join me in the red leaves,
why don't you freeze out in the snow
why aren't the words worth answers?

DARLING.


I WISH I COULD TELL YOU HOW I FEEL.

"If I die of vanity,
Promise me, promise me
If they bury me someplace I don't wanna be
You'll dig me up and transport me
Unceremoniously
Away from the swollen sea breeze
garbage bag trees,
whispers of disease,
acts of enormity
and lower me
slowly and sadly and properly-
get ry cooder to sing my eulogy."

- the tragically hip

thinking about how beautiful you are on an early friday morning
when i tried to replace you with cheap substitutes,
i saw your picture and remembered why you cost a little more.

your down tilt eyes are smug and stuck up
high in your head.
i want to bring you down where
your silly shortcuts and girltalk
don't go.

i'd like to kiss you sometime when you're seeing clearly
and i'm not afraid to be alone.
your hands are like a rollercoaster track,
up and down and over again,
i have dreams, darling,
where i fall off the car.


we drank all the brandy in one night
while you were out of town,
your woman fell asleep in a velvet coat-
she wrapped her young legs around a secret.

i knew the answer under the flap,
the envelope i saw through
with a hand on my forehead and a
forced smile in my face,
i danced like a whore because i though you were watching.

your legs are tapered candles,
you never leave and i wish,
i wish you would call me
when you really knew the dial well,
i wish you would follow me
when you really knew the smile well.

i shouldn't have said a word
but i'm so glad i did.

"There's a club, if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home
And you cry
And you want to die
When you say it's gonna happen now,
Well, when exactly do you mean?
See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone
I am Human And I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does."

- The Smiths.

____

Sorry to get all depressing on your collective asses.
I don't think I'll ever stop feeling alone.
It's not that sad, really... it's just how it is.
I'm going to start drawing portraits of all the people I know in strange situations.
I started tonight with my friend Neil, "sitting in a garden grove watching flowers grow."

I've started seeing things when I shut my eyes.
Dreams that aren't dreams, pictures that move too fast...
I need a wire to capture it, like a video camera in real time.

If only I had the guts.
I'd like to walk up those stairs and knock on that door.
I'd like to say something interesting like I used to before.
I'd like to know if there's any reason to be here.

I'd like to know, I'd like to know, I'd like to know.

And it's the wrong people who remember.

I am dehydrating.

___

I know I've got to write a letter but I don't know what to put into it. What could I possibly say that would not sound cold and distant but also doesn't give any sort of permission?

You said some very nice things when you couldn't control your mouth.
___

I want to bring you out with a piece of string,
Tied up tight to your teeth.
Come down, come over, come in.

Please get to know the person I'm trying to be.
___

"You shouldn't go to them,
Let them come to you."
- The Smiths

in our bedrooms,
we waited for the bombs to drop.
i wondered if you were sleeping.

worlds apart, i had to get to heaven to find you,
you're golden and i'm burnt.

the third floor windows were bright above the stolen trees,
the abandoned rooms,
the keyless entry.

in our bedrooms,
we waited for the war.
i wondered if you were awake.

i'll feed your head, the spells and potions,
we could stay all night and feel it happen,
we could find each other somehow,
we've come this far.

in the last seven days,
news media outlets have been in a frenzy.
scientists have been going grey and bald,
the phones are blinking and no one can hold the ground.

in the last seven days,
the world slowed down.
the rotation stalled and centrifugal force failed:
we all popped off
like little champagne corks
celebrating our disasters.

in the last seven days,
somehow, one of us stayed down-
an increase in mass that made no sense.
the grip got tighter and crushing,
taking the wings off a butterfly
that later turned out to be a pest.

in the last seven days,
one of us turned off,
one of us stayed silent,
one of us worried and worried
until the wrinkles stayed permanent
and youth disappeared.

in the last seven days,
we aged like tortoises.

in the last seven days
one of our windows stayed lit up
while the other lightbulbs exploded,
and in that window, we waited,
hands against the cracked glass,
heavy breath that fogged our view,
for everyone to come back down.
___________

"jane says:
I've never been in love
I don't know what it is
Only knows if someone wants her
I want them if they want me
I only know they want me."

- jane's addiction
___________

back to the old starting line
that's torn up and ruined like a dry pasture,
i return in the cattle call.

here we're waiting for something to race for
after too many false starts.
___________

and the world exploded into a celebration of light.
________

You sent a message from the other side,
A hole's dig away-
I couldn't read the words when I saw the name.

You wrote all three out,
From top to bottom.
____

If I could stop being forgotten,
If I could become something that mattered to someone.
____

You came home and took me over-
I accidentally let it slip,
Called you baby in the morning-
You had to stop,
Like the sweetheart boy
You rival in temperament.

If I shut my eyes
You'll disappear without a word.

I've been told I'm a woman
That deserves to be loved,
But no one wants to take it on.

I've been told I'm a girl
That will be held on for
But no one wants to wait it out.

You walked with me downstairs-
Just one more name
To remember and forget,
I thought that you might stay around
Until it stuck in my head.
____

I shouldn't be sad.

I should sit at the piano
And remember my training
And practice makes perfect
My darling.

A secret little secret
You keep in your back pocket
A number and a smile
That I hope you don't forget.

And I know that when we're alone,
When we say again the miss you,
You will kiss me and I'll kiss you
And it won't mean a thing.
_____

I'm alright, you know.
I'm alright with this lonely feeling-
I'm alright now without you,
Without you and without you.

My sister said,
Well, you can't have them all.

I said,
But I've gone and fallen for every one.
_____

And the flag came down a moment too soon,
Watching the winner finish the run

I saw the tape rip and a smiling face
And I came in behind, second place in the race.
_____

You snapped back when we said good-bye,
You held my hand quietly in the basement before I left,
I'm everyone's dirty little secret
And you're no exception.

I am empty when I look at girls' faces.
The cold handshake and toothy smile,
With your woman I'm a crocodile-
Calm and collected and ready to strike.

Thank the LORD! for my ego-
Or else I might never survive,
Your arms around her waist,
Your eyes around her eyes,
I take my consolation
In my strong and firm belief
That I'm better in every way.

I know I deserve every blow I get-
The concussions and black eyes
You gave me in our kindest moments,
I keep a gallery of injuries
To remember how you loved me once.

Initials carved sweetly and swiftly
Into skin and bone,
Infections will follow:
We never cleaned the knives.

If you asked, I could bring you an apple
A red delicious day in day out,
Just seventy nine cents and two lungs full of air,
Shined up perfect.

Hell, I'd bring you an orchard
If I had the upper body strength.

(Sometimes I worry you'll read this
And realize it's about you...
But then I remember that you would never bother.)

...

It was raining when we said good-bye
While I rushed a cigarette and looked for cab lights,
You let go of the lie and looked at me.
I held onto you,
Shed the crocodile skin
And anyone who was watching knew
Everything.