Putting The "Raina" Back In Fun Since 1986

Midlife/Quarterlife Crises

2009-05-13T14:27:02Z

Dear Dad,
Why couldn't you have just bought a convertible?
Love, Raina.

________________________________________________

I need a new job. I want to start my career but I don't know what it is yet.
I wish I could think of a great idea for a blog that would become popular and gain mainstream attention, at which point I would get a book deal and all of the submissions people had sent in would be compiled and sold, with all profits going directly to me (minus publishing fees).

That would be ideal.

The idea of ever owning a house or car or any other assets seems almost impossible to me.

Addiction

2009-01-30T21:43:08Z

Caffiene is an aphrodesiac.

That would explain why I can't sit still during the afternoon at work.

Beating Like A Hammer

2009-01-23T19:19:57Z

"beeeaaaating like a HAAAMMMMER"
- Metric

I think I'm falling in love with Metric's "Help, I'm Alive." I don't really like Metric usually, but this song is wonderful! I feel shivery waves when she sings the chorus.

Just thought I'd let you know.

1 2 and You

2009-01-21T18:54:33Z

"I only just met you before
But I can't understand you don't want me more
You maybe think I'm too smart and weird,
But that should only make you want to hear:

...

You make me feel really unsure,
But that should just make you feel secure.
Although we've only known each other a bit
Already I can't sleep at night and I feel like shit.
That's right."

- The Dandy Warhols

A Collage of Today

2009-01-16T18:57:03Z

"I thought about
The things I thought about
Until immobilized with fear."
- Ben Folds Five : "Regrets"

your compatibility with _____ is SUPER!
CONGRATULATIONS! This red line shows your progress.

this weekend, i may be prompted to build myself a tinfoil hat, finally.

"I am mesmerized by tiny lines,
I'm watching as the shapes are drawing slowly from her eyes."
- Ben Folds : "Losing Lisa"

my stomach keeps making strange noises. i hope that it's not bothering my co-workers.

"Heaven-
Heaven is a place...
A place where nothing,
Nothing ever happens."
- Talking Heads : "Heaven"

i've been thinking too much about death again. that's not supposed to sound emo, or deep, or anything. it just comes in phases, and i'm in one right now. every morning i wake up and i am afraid. of COURSE i am afraid. it's not a joke, it actually happens, and that's it. we have no idea what happens then. it's immediate and final.

writing that was scary.

i can't wait until i go back to feeling immortal.

i really like matt good's singles.

ON THE OTHER HAND:
everything is going to work out okay.
that's basically become my overarching philosophy on life. everything works out somehow.
it's served me well so far.
something along the lines of designing your own luck.

i think this weekend, i will try acid for the first time.
i think i will listen to mgmt's album "oracular spectacular" and animal collective's "merriweather post pavillion" while that's happening.

i want to DANCE!

"the youth are starting to change."
- MGMT : "The Youth"

"WHEN IT'S TIME TO PARTY WE WILL PARTY HARD!"
- Andrew W.K. : "Party Hard"

Go listen to Charizma & Peanut Butter Wolf's "Apple Juice Break". It's short and sweet... like a small cup of apple juice.

It's almost lunchtime.

"Smoke baby, smoke baby,
More alcohol baby,
Cocaine in Montreal
And black out on the plane, baby."
- Hawksley Workman : "Smoke Baby"

Back from lunch, feeling better...
In the afternoon, I like to listen to sexier music. In the morning, it's all sad and frustrated. I am not a morning person. Beck's "Milk & Honey" is so good...

Okay.
I should get to work.

11:30 AM

2009-01-12T05:02:15Z

time went on all night.

i can't believe this is really happening.

you are so unbelievably beautiful.

Weak New York

2008-12-29T04:16:26Z

that girl makes me want to be a narcissist
a lucky genetic masterpiece,
give an ol' gol' shrine to myself.

my mother once lived in a mysterious yellow world
where edges were brown and the saturation was down.

___

a five minute intermission in your absence
was the best part of the show.

JUST ONE MORE HIT OUT IN THE LOBBY BABY!

i stopped breathing when you walked in,
and if you don't go soon i might suffocate.

(i could be a little red fox,
stealing off in the woods,
i could have the little white tail you chase,
the green slit jealous eyes,
i could cuddle into your jacket
when you catch me
'cause i'm so sly.)

i thought i was strong enough to handle my self
but i was
pretty
much
wrong.

how would i ever hold you up
if i could never get across
a set of monkey bars?

[cohesion?! what's that?!]

____

a: new year's is coming.
b: YOU BET!
a: i made some resolutions!
b: i made some brownies.
a: i resolved to eat all of the brownies you made.
b: i resolved to let you eat them.
a: well, good.
b: but first, i'm going to set them on fire.
a: no! don't!
b: trust me, it's a secret recipe.
a: for burnt brownies.
b: yes, for burnt brownies.
a: great. well, my resolution was for non-burnt brownies so i guess i'm going to have to rethink things.
b: i guess so. you've got to get your priorities straight.
a: well, i really have to go to the bathroom.
b: no, don't do that.
a: why not?
b: i clogged the toilet.
a: oh.
b: yeah... i'm sorry.
a: it's okay. i'll just... wait it out.
b: i love you, you're so forgiving.
a: i wet my pants.
___

Closets

2008-12-27T21:03:39Z

outside the world has turned white.
not just the ground but the sky and the trees too.
my house exists inside a cloud.

i am lying down on my childhood,
i was told to empty my closet
to make room for the bones of a family skeleton.

Winter Blues

2008-12-16T16:23:32Z

Songs I'm Feeling Right Now:

The Fiery Furnaces - Waiting To Know You
Land of Talk - Breaxxbaxx
The Offspring - Self-Esteem
Dr. Dog - Die, Die, Die
Land of Talk - Some Are Lakes
MGMT - The Youth
The Black Keys - Act Nice and Gentle
Born Ruffians - Foxes Mate For Life
Weezer - Why Bother?
Leonard Cohen - No Cure For Love
Modest Mouse - Sleepwalking
Super Furry Animals - Fire In My Heart
Voxtrot - The Start Of Something
Dump - The Words Get Stuck
Mason Jennings - Darkness Between the Fireflies
Ron Sexsmith - These Days
Spoon - Anything You Want
The Weakerthans - My Favourite Chords
Wolf Parade - I'll Believe In Anything
Joel Plaskett - True Patriot Love
The Weakerthans - Civil Twilight
Silver Jews - Whiskey Talkin'
The Acorn - Evidence
Daniel Johnston - Grievances

___

"you can fall for chains of silver,
you can fall for chains of gold,
you can fall for pretty strangers
and the promises they hold."
- dire straits.

"and as the cars fly by,
i just break down and cry,
still i've got a fire in my heart for you."
- super furry animals.

"if i can't be a lover, i'll just be a pest."
- daniel johnston

Self-Esteem

2008-12-16T15:43:05Z

"well i guess i should speak up for myself
but i really think it's better this way
the more you suffer
the more it shows you really care
right?
yeah.

now i'll relate this little bit
that happens more than i'd like to admit
late at night [he] knocks on my door
drunk again and looking to score

now i know i should say no
but that's kind of hard when [he]'s ready to go
i may be dumb
but i'm not a dweeb
i'm just a sucker with no self esteem."

-the offspring, [modified].

Ish.

2008-12-10T06:56:54Z

keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing keep wishing keep fishing

Climb Up

2008-12-09T07:56:08Z

and baby i will twist my hips and wait for the blue light
ohhhh darling you blind out the red with perfect fingers,
i'm a piece of TOAST!

i'm the bread that lies beside the red hot wires,
the momentary morning energy
eaten up and forgotten.

happy sunrise baby,
i think we're golden in the light
but i am going out
to bury myself in the sand.

oh oh oh
i'm just a little thing,
some underground burrower
i am the tunnel builder
for the pretty people.
______

a technical definition for the passage of gods,
i waited slowly and deliberately.
i did not speak to you.
i waited in a blue mass to catch clouds.

i want you to come home.
i could be honest and tell you that i am scared-
i am afraid to tell you that i am finding confidence,
that i am holding your shoulders and learning to stand
with waggling legs.

i am finding you in blue yes,
i am finding you in brown hair,
i am finding you in quiet minutes tick ticking by,

i am finding you in planned out movie scenes,
we are blind, deaf crawlers
too much information
the love makes our eyes turn black.

the slate,
a snap,
a title and a scene,

i hope you believed the performance,
my lies were only lines,
i hope you realize
my hands are woven up in a net for you to fall.

the youth, the children, the mind
it's all starting to go so let's go,
so let's so let's row let's mow let's sow...
i reap and leap and keep
the name is criminal.

we are seasoned, darling,
why don't you join me in the red leaves,
why don't you freeze out in the snow
why aren't the words worth answers?

DARLING.

I WISH I COULD TELL YOU HOW I FEEL.

At The Hundredth Meridian

2008-12-04T00:59:25Z

"If I die of vanity,
Promise me, promise me
If they bury me someplace I don't wanna be
You'll dig me up and transport me
Unceremoniously
Away from the swollen sea breeze
garbage bag trees,
whispers of disease,
acts of enormity
and lower me
slowly and sadly and properly-
get ry cooder to sing my eulogy."

- the tragically hip

Secrets Inside

2008-11-29T10:31:37Z

thinking about how beautiful you are on an early friday morning
when i tried to replace you with cheap substitutes,
i saw your picture and remembered why you cost a little more.

your down tilt eyes are smug and stuck up
high in your head.
i want to bring you down where
your silly shortcuts and girltalk
don't go.

i'd like to kiss you sometime when you're seeing clearly
and i'm not afraid to be alone.
your hands are like a rollercoaster track,
up and down and over again,
i have dreams, darling,
where i fall off the car.

we drank all the brandy in one night
while you were out of town,
your woman fell asleep in a velvet coat-
she wrapped her young legs around a secret.

i knew the answer under the flap,
the envelope i saw through
with a hand on my forehead and a
forced smile in my face,
i danced like a whore because i though you were watching.

your legs are tapered candles,
you never leave and i wish,
i wish you would call me
when you really knew the dial well,
i wish you would follow me
when you really knew the smile well.

i shouldn't have said a word
but i'm so glad i did.

The Smiths on a Friday Morning

2008-11-28T06:26:33Z

"There's a club, if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home
And you cry
And you want to die
When you say it's gonna happen now,
Well, when exactly do you mean?
See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone
I am Human And I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does."

- The Smiths.

____

Sorry to get all depressing on your collective asses.
I don't think I'll ever stop feeling alone.
It's not that sad, really... it's just how it is.
I'm going to start drawing portraits of all the people I know in strange situations.
I started tonight with my friend Neil, "sitting in a garden grove watching flowers grow."

I've started seeing things when I shut my eyes.
Dreams that aren't dreams, pictures that move too fast...
I need a wire to capture it, like a video camera in real time.

If only I had the guts.
I'd like to walk up those stairs and knock on that door.
I'd like to say something interesting like I used to before.
I'd like to know if there's any reason to be here.

I'd like to know, I'd like to know, I'd like to know.

And it's the wrong people who remember.

I am dehydrating.

___

I know I've got to write a letter but I don't know what to put into it. What could I possibly say that would not sound cold and distant but also doesn't give any sort of permission?

You said some very nice things when you couldn't control your mouth.
___

I want to bring you out with a piece of string,
Tied up tight to your teeth.
Come down, come over, come in.

Please get to know the person I'm trying to be.
___

"You shouldn't go to them,
Let them come to you."
- The Smiths

Upstairs

2008-11-13T06:30:47Z

in our bedrooms,
we waited for the bombs to drop.
i wondered if you were sleeping.

worlds apart, i had to get to heaven to find you,
you're golden and i'm burnt.

the third floor windows were bright above the stolen trees,
the abandoned rooms,
the keyless entry.

in our bedrooms,
we waited for the war.
i wondered if you were awake.

i'll feed your head, the spells and potions,
we could stay all night and feel it happen,
we could find each other somehow,
we've come this far.

...And The Door Closed.

2008-10-26T23:33:13Z

in the last seven days,
news media outlets have been in a frenzy.
scientists have been going grey and bald,
the phones are blinking and no one can hold the ground.

in the last seven days,
the world slowed down.
the rotation stalled and centrifugal force failed:
we all popped off
like little champagne corks
celebrating our disasters.

in the last seven days,
somehow, one of us stayed down-
an increase in mass that made no sense.
the grip got tighter and crushing,
taking the wings off a butterfly
that later turned out to be a pest.

in the last seven days,
one of us turned off,
one of us stayed silent,
one of us worried and worried
until the wrinkles stayed permanent
and youth disappeared.

in the last seven days,
we aged like tortoises.

in the last seven days
one of our windows stayed lit up
while the other lightbulbs exploded,
and in that window, we waited,
hands against the cracked glass,
heavy breath that fogged our view,
for everyone to come back down.
___________

"jane says:
I've never been in love
I don't know what it is
Only knows if someone wants her
I want them if they want me
I only know they want me."

- jane's addiction
___________

back to the old starting line
that's torn up and ruined like a dry pasture,
i return in the cattle call.

here we're waiting for something to race for
after too many false starts.
___________

The Door Opened...

2008-10-20T02:37:18Z

and the world exploded into a celebration of light.
________

Second Place in Every Race

2008-09-24T06:17:55Z

You sent a message from the other side,
A hole's dig away-
I couldn't read the words when I saw the name.

You wrote all three out,
From top to bottom.
____

If I could stop being forgotten,
If I could become something that mattered to someone.
____

You came home and took me over-
I accidentally let it slip,
Called you baby in the morning-
You had to stop,
Like the sweetheart boy
You rival in temperament.

If I shut my eyes
You'll disappear without a word.

I've been told I'm a woman
That deserves to be loved,
But no one wants to take it on.

I've been told I'm a girl
That will be held on for
But no one wants to wait it out.

You walked with me downstairs-
Just one more name
To remember and forget,
I thought that you might stay around
Until it stuck in my head.
____

I shouldn't be sad.

I should sit at the piano
And remember my training
And practice makes perfect
My darling.

A secret little secret
You keep in your back pocket
A number and a smile
That I hope you don't forget.

And I know that when we're alone,
When we say again the miss you,
You will kiss me and I'll kiss you
And it won't mean a thing.
_____

I'm alright, you know.
I'm alright with this lonely feeling-
I'm alright now without you,
Without you and without you.

My sister said,
Well, you can't have them all.

I said,
But I've gone and fallen for every one.
_____

And the flag came down a moment too soon,
Watching the winner finish the run

I saw the tape rip and a smiling face
And I came in behind, second place in the race.
_____

It's Not For Long

2008-08-29T06:49:29Z

You snapped back when we said good-bye,
You held my hand quietly in the basement before I left,
I'm everyone's dirty little secret
And you're no exception.

I am empty when I look at girls' faces.
The cold handshake and toothy smile,
With your woman I'm a crocodile-
Calm and collected and ready to strike.

Thank the LORD! for my ego-
Or else I might never survive,
Your arms around her waist,
Your eyes around her eyes,
I take my consolation
In my strong and firm belief
That I'm better in every way.

I know I deserve every blow I get-
The concussions and black eyes
You gave me in our kindest moments,
I keep a gallery of injuries
To remember how you loved me once.

Initials carved sweetly and swiftly
Into skin and bone,
Infections will follow:
We never cleaned the knives.

If you asked, I could bring you an apple
A red delicious day in day out,
Just seventy nine cents and two lungs full of air,
Shined up perfect.

Hell, I'd bring you an orchard
If I had the upper body strength.

(Sometimes I worry you'll read this
And realize it's about you...
But then I remember that you would never bother.)

...

It was raining when we said good-bye
While I rushed a cigarette and looked for cab lights,
You let go of the lie and looked at me.
I held onto you,
Shed the crocodile skin
And anyone who was watching knew
Everything.

Left & Leaving

2008-08-28T18:55:33Z

Left & Leaving - The Weakerthans

My city's still breathing (but barely it's true)
through buildings gone missing like teeth.
The sidewalks are watching me think about you,
sparkled with broken glass.
I'm back with scars to show.
Back with the streets I know
Will never take me anywhere but here.

The stain in the carpet, this drink in my hand,
the strangers whose faces I know.
We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say "I wanted it this way."
Wait for the year to drown,
Spring forward, fall back down.
I'm trying not to wonder where you are.

All this time lingers, undefined.
Someone choose who's left and who's leaving.

Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me:
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest,
the best parts of Lonely,
Duct-tape and soldered wires,
new words for old desires,
and every birthday card I threw away.

I wait in 4/4 time.
Count yellow highway lines
That you're relying on to lead you home.

Toronto

2008-08-05T04:52:04Z

toronto.

the city is lonely.

the elevator mirror makes me feel unattractive.

i am tired of fast walkers
of fast talkers
of second place.

and every race i run
i end up just behind,

i'm going to slip up soon
on the wet trail grass,

and you're not going to catch me.

[my hair will not hold volume.
this is not a tragedy.
but it's certainly not helping anything.]

....

i want you
to come over
right now
and hold onto me.

i want to be the
small spoon
just once.

....

Psycho Killer

2008-07-29T18:13:33Z

I can’t seem to face up to the facts
I’m tense and nervous and I can’t relax
I can’t sleep because my bed’s on fire
Don’t touch me I’m a real live wire.

Psycho Killer
Qu'est-ce que c'est?
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away

You start a conversation you can't even finish it.
You're talkin' a lot, but you're not sayin' anything.
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed.
Say something once, why say it again?

Psycho Killer,
Qu'est-ce que c'est?
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away

Ce que j'ai fait, ce soir-là
Ce qu'elle a dit, ce soir-là
Réalisant mon espoir
Je me lance vers la gloire ...

We are vain and we are blind
I hate people when they're not polite

Psycho Killer,
Qu'est-ce que c'est?
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away

A Week In Review.

2008-07-15T08:34:49Z

on monday, i forgot the rest before i remembered.
we might have made love or we might have stayed home.
on tuesday, i fell in love with you, all of you,
and we stayed that way until wednesday's midnight-
sick and sticky and full of words.
on thursday, i cleaned it all out.
the metal pick that clawed away
like an angry mouth tiger with pointed intention-
mmmm, i tasted bloody and fresh that morning...
i couldn't wait to show you.
and that night, i went out to a little place
named after a little bird,
drank and danced and felt that i could be someone
longer than for just a minute.
you and i talked about fields.
you and i walked on home down streets.
you and i stood and looked in on a swimming pool
full of illegal young people.
we should have joined them, but we were almost home.
you and i shattered my cheap old bed.
on friday, i left you there asleep.
i went to work where i let you touch me.
i went to work and i realized i was locked out.
your porch was a refuge and i stayed there until
i went to see you pour your heart out on a little stage
in the back of a smelly dive bar.
you went to the arcade and i went for a bicycle ride
it was my first one in the city, ever
and we went around an old university village
the wind took me home but we stopped for fast food
and hot hot hot chilis on the way.
i went home.
on saturday, i let go.
on saturday i forgot you and i met you again
i let you say things to me that i would never listen to
if it were any other day.
i turned into a gaussian blur,
easier to watch but harder to see-
the secrets spilled out to you and i spilled out further,
i spilled drinks across the floor
and i spilled footsteps out the door
and i finally made it home again.
on sunday i spent a day in instants
no memory at all, just breakfast, sleep and hands to hold
i held your hand and held you tight
and thanked you for dinner.
you played music that took us all someplace else
and then i had to go someplace else, a walk or somewhere...
and then, again,
on monday.

Red Mark

2008-07-04T05:07:14Z

red mark.

i forget where it came from.

robot.

i cried and cried and
then i almost cried,
and then i cried some more.

red mark.

still hurts.

it smells like air here but it doesn't feel the same.